So this is one of those posts that is going to be really raw and vulnerable, I would advise that you get some tissues. This blog post has been on my heart since mid august but I wasn’t able to come up with the right words until end of September. October holds a special place in my heart, it’s not only my birthday month, but also Domestic violence and abuse awareness month. Every October for the last 5 or so years, I have always done some sort of project that aides in my healing journey or reposted past projects on Facebook. A common theme among most of these is that I have gone from victim to survivor, sharing the raw details of some of my experiences. Below is a story about some of my experiences in my relationship that I submitted to a Break The Silence Against Domestic Violence, an organization helping to create awareness. Due to needing to omit a few sentences because of privacy concerns, I created a word doc with the same “Raw truth Story”.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vSLtGmJIB6ZMxEP_R4TsnySXDMGDLusM9IK6QPX1-5CWVWeuMMfQcxGO1QU_vsOLlGa8eC1c6uzcW64/pub

For those who do not know, five years ago I ended an emotionally, spiritually, and borderline physically abusive relationship with someone who was in the church I formally went to. We were very serious, like almost proposed to serious, like had a tentative date for a wedding serious, but we were no where near ready or mature enough to get married.

Over the last few months, I’ve felt like this chapter in my life is ready to be closed. I will never stop telling my story and spreading awareness through my experiences, but it is time to stop dwelling on it, it is time to move on, it is time to open my heart again, its time to begin a new chapter in my life. Wherever and whatever that may be God, I am ready and willing to go wherever you lead me. You’ve already lead me into such healing and truly renewing of my whole being.

I knew back in August that I would be writing a forgiveness letter to him, but I didn’t have the right words that weren’t forced, I wanted my words to come from the deepest part of my heart. If you’ve read my past few posts, you know that I am currently going through an inner healing program for women, led by an incredible Christian couple, called Alive and Free. During our coaching calls, Spencer, co-owner of Alive and Free, leads us through heart encounters. In the first webinar I watched before joining the program, he had us close our eyes and put our hands on our heart and he apologize to us on behalf of those men and people in our lives that have hurt us. So in this letter, I believe the last piece of my healing journey is to apologize to him on behalf of those who impacted him and hurt him deeply. For me, this is one of the deepest levels of forgiveness I can extend out, its changing my view of him from someone who was only abusive and mistreated my heart into a human who had a lot happen and a lot of hurts and did the best he knew and could do.

**This doesn’t diminish the facts and the hurt that happened and all that did happen in that relationship, it is just time to change my hearts position.**

As you read this. I want to encourage you to receive it for yourself. Read this letter as if itʼs talking about you, put your hand over your heart and say this aloud to yourself. I believe God had me share these letters to not only impact myself but to be used to help impact your life too!

Dear you,
Iʼve lived the past five years holding so much unforgiveness towards you that I didnʼt realized I held. Iʼve let my story of what happened become my identity. Iʼve forgotten all the good times, Iʼve let the bad times dominate that part of my story. Yes, what happened has forever changed my life, but Iʼm done with being stuck living those experiences over and over. On behalf of those who hurt you in your childhood, I am so incredibly sorry for what you have had to go through. No child or person should ever have to experience what you did. I am so sorry for the feelings and belief systems that were built up in order to protect yourself. You deserved so much better, so much more love. I am so sorry for the chaos that your life has been and that you havenʼt had a good examples of Godly people leading you. I am so sorry for belief systems that were built for self protection, I am so sorry for the experiences that taught you wrong ways of thinking and that impacted you leading you to believe lies about yourself. I am so sorry that you were never shown love when you needed it the most, that you were left alone when you needed to be embraced and shown that you matter. I just want to tell you, that no matter what youʼve done, what happened to you, you are still incredibly loved by God, you are still a child of God, God has not turned his back on you. Like the Keisha song says, “I hope youʼre somewhere praying, i hope your soul is changing, I hope you find your peace falling on your knees praying”. And thatʼs my honest prayer for you. That one day (if not already) you would have such an amazing encounter with God, that the chains and lies and beliefs that bind you would fall off, that you would experience such a rush of love and embrace of arms that had never let you go. I pray that the darkness I saw inside of you would be replaced with such a bright light. That darkness that brought me down would be replaced with a light that will lift someone else up. I forgive you, I truly forgive you, for everything.

Dear Jess,
Hey there baby girl. Youʼve lived your life believing in so many lies about life and about yourself. Iʼve come to tell you that you are so much more than just your story, what happened to you, the lies that were told to you, the coping mechanisms youʼve resorted to in order to feel connection when all you wanted was to feel safe and loved. You deserve to live a life of freedom, love, adventure, glory to glory blessings, hope. Yes, you are such a warrior for overcoming so much in your life, but itʼs time to rediscover who you are. The one before the trauma, the one before the abuse, the little girl who just wanted peace, the little girl who didnʼt have to worry about anything. Itʼs time to COME ALIVE again, your time is now! Your past has shaped you into who you are but it is not who you are today. Stop living in fear of the next heartbreak, stop being held back from connection because you are afraid. I release you Jessica from the chains and the bondage of your story. Never forgot what it has taught you. Donʼt forget the good times that happened, donʼt forget how strong and powerful you are. You can conquer giants and move mountains. Use that power to inspire others to keep going. I release you to open your heart again, let people in, let God in, He has never left you. He is holding your heart, take chances, take big leaps of faith. If God is calling you, trust His promises Heʼs declared over your life. You are a treasure, you are precious, you are such a light that brightens up the darkness, you have fire inside you that is slowly beginning to ignite higher and higher. Gods plans and promises are beginning to manifest in you, hold tight to those, in the waiting He is there, in the moments that seem like He forgot about you, He is there. Trust the timing, use this waiting time to hone the skills that you will need. Like David, a Shepard boy, who used and mastered his skills with just a slingshot and a stone to defend his sheep. He later used those exact skills to overcome a giant. Donʼt you believe that God will do the same with you? Remember God doesnʼt call the qualified, he qualifies the called. And man oh man, you have such a calling, now letʼs start claiming that! You are released from the chains, get ready for the great adventure, get ready for the promises of God to be fulfilled, itʼs your time, just trust.

What’s an emotional post without an ackward ending. Not too sure how to end this, so I’ll end on some weird unknown facts: 1. A sneeze can travel out of your mouth at a rate of 100 mph 2. Babies are born without kneecaps, they develop between ages 2-6 3. Slugs have four noses 4. If you have seen the viral FB video about the kid sticking his head in the sand like an ostrich, this may shock you: In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years there were no reported cases of an ostrich burying its head in the sand. 5. I couldn’t end on four, I actually dislike the number 4 and 6 so much that when I was younger, I refused to get out of bed if the number on my clock ended in 4 or 6, I would wait until the clock changed.

It’s all a Myth!