Alcohol has always had a negative connatation to it. I’ve always said alcohol ruined my life. A lot of my most painful rejections and experiences starting at a young age have come from people when they were drunk. When I was 17, I watched someone who was like a second mom to me fade out of my life. I had this feeling a couple weeks before it all fell apart that it would come to an end, and in one night as I literally collapsed on the ground because my legs agreed with my heart and could no longer carry the weight of my world anymore, it had come to fruition.
Alcholism runs in my family, I tend to have an addictive personality. I cling to what makes me feel “safe” and what I feel like I can be “in control” of. A former counselor that I had told me that there is no such thing as an “addictive personality”. I disagreed with her, until I realized that what I thought was an addictive personality is actually just things I use to help take control of my life.
I never really liked drinking much, I have a hyper sense of taste and I dislike most kinds of alcohol, but occassionally, I will have a drink. I went out with some co-workers a few years back, I only had two-three drinks over the course of the night but that night ended in me having a full blown external panic attack. I told myself I wouldn’t go out after that. In September (2018), I went out with some friends to skybar, which ended in me drinking too fast and feeling myself quickly begin losing control. Which made me panic…big time, thinking something bad was going to happen, triggering me back to painful experiences. The next morning I woke up with a hangover, the first one I ever had, but the emotional hangover I experienced was so much worse. I had no appetite, nauseous, I was numb and drained, and I just wished I never went out.
At the end of May 2019, I felt something telling me to go out. So I called my friend and we planned on a girls night out on Friday May 30th. We went out to different places, and the strangest thing happened…nothing (too crazy) happened! I was calm, I felt free from anxiety (and not just because I was drinking some), it was a healing night. I had a lot of fun. I didn’t lose control, I didn’t have the overwhelming feeling that something “bad” would happen. I felt…safe.
Now, I want to explain something because I am sure a couple of yall are thinking that I am using this newfound “freedom” from fear of alcohol as an excuse to go out and drink all the time now or that I am not going to be as conscious when I go out. I just want to clear up this is NOT true. I am very aware of things that can happen, I am still very hypervigilant, I am just not going to allow that rule over my night.
I am very aware of my family history, it’s very much out in the open and that alcoholism has been passed down through the generations. I have declared over my life and I have had other people tell me that I am going to break generational curses and it stops with me!
It’s so incredible to think that this belief system was brought to the surface and has began to break piece by piece before I even started the Alive and Free program. I am so nervous, yet excited to uncover and become aware of what other belief systems, both the good and the not so good ones I have about myself, God, and the my world. Thank you so much for joining me on this journey!