It all started Monday May 6th, 2019, I just landed in Orlando, Florida. It was the first day of my six day vacation with my two cousins, my nieces, and my uncle. My cousin and I are on our way back from the grocery store. We started talking about my allergy and I whipped out my epi pen to show her how to use it just in case. We ask talked about my fear that something could happen since I was in a southern state only a year after being officially diagnosed with a life threatening allergy to shellfish. This led to a conversation about other fears of mine, including Uber.
Earlier that day we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to fit the 6 of us plus all our luggage in the van that my cousin rented for our week. So uberring was suggested for my uncle and I. My uncle started asking me if I’ve ever taken an uber and what it is. I mentioned that I never did because I didn’t trust the drivers, I was always nervous something would happen. But I would be willing to take one since I would be with him, fortunately we were all able to fit.
During that car ride home from the store, my cousin and I joked around about my multiple fears. Her response was unlike anyone else’s that I have ever gotten. Usually the responses I get are others agreeing with my fears, making excuses for my fears, condoning and feeding into them, keeping me in that fear state. Which in turn makes people treat me differently, like I’m fragile and broken for them. Her response almost questioned why I have so many fears, but also making light of them, joking because honestly the reasons I gave for having them sounded pretty irrational. Throughout that trip, we would joke back and forth about them, which was such a huge weight lifted off that I wasn’t treated differently or looked at differently because I opened up vulnerably and shared. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that conversation was the very beginning of my journey to break my belief systems.
Some of the fears I mentioned were: Uber, going out when alcohol is involved, having an allergic reaction, dating. These all have one thing in common, one common trigger: Being out of control and afraid something will happen and I will not feel safe/be able to protect myself, mainly emotionally and physically.
Coming home from trips, whether it be a weekend trip or a long trip, I always have a heavy feeling like that was such an amazing trip, this trip was no different. We spent so much time together, but now I am going back to my life and everyone else is going back to their lives. We flew back late on sunday May 12th. The plane ride home was honestly hard, I began believing that things were going to be different between us, and I would be viewed as fearful and less than. Looking back there was nothing that they did that led to this belief, in reality, they laughed and joked with me, we all had an amazing trip! But I took past experiences and my own belief system about how I viewed myself, and placed that on my cousins.
So what do I do? I send a massively long text to my cousin explaining literally everything, justifying my fears, and unintentially making myself look broken. I put myself out there vulnerably because I felt safe to share, because typically when I send similar messages, I get back supportive texts that unintentially can sometimes feed into my anxiety, assuring me that its okay to have anxiety, keeping me in that place of anxiety. I am not saying that this is wrong, but for me, I stayed in my anxiety too long, I let it become my identity, and I needed to be booted out of that place. The response she sent back started with my full first name and didn’t coddle my anxiety, and ended with saying she wishes me luck on my process, this threw me, rather launched and catapulated me into extreme panic mode. I immediately started thinking that I messed up everything, I am now going to lose my cousins and nieces, they are going to distance themselves because I made a fool of myself and overshared. That whole day and night, I cried, and I mean ugly cried, sobbing. All I kept saying was that, “I can’t lose them, I can’t do this again.” Thankfully I called into work that day, and was able to switch my day off so I didn’t have to go into work that next day either. I was one thought, one question of how was my trip, away from breaking down and crying.
I tend to overshare, like spill out my whole life story, when I build safety with someone, when I feel comfortable. This doesn’t always have to take a long time to build, once I feel like I am being heard, and someone wants to know more about me, when I feel like I can connect with someone, I start sharing. But I know that oftentimes this is short lived, people get tired of my anxiety or depressing state, or people go back to their own friends and family. So I crave these small moments of connection and intimacy with others, and I take full advantage of those moments because I’ve learned that it can be gone just like that. I’ve seen this happen so many times before, my former best friend ended our friendship because I was “too depressing” when I was in the midst of ending an abusive relationship. I’ve lost so much of my family, I’ve had family in and out of my life for extended periods of time, which didn’t allow for growing connection. I’ve lost most of the family that had been there as my “safe place” suddenly. So this became a belief system I had, “Once you feel a connection, do whatever you can to share, but try not to overshare, but even if you don’t, they will somehow not be in your life long or you can lose them if you share too much.”
That tuesday, I walked for what seemed like hours, finally listening to the Abi Stumvoll “Redefined by Love” teaching series. IT. WAS. LIFE. CHANGING. All my views of who God is as a father were completely shattered, pieced back together, and radically redefined. “God created me to love me, even if I don’t do anything else in life, He loves me. He didn’t create me to “work on the farm because He needed help”. He created me to just love me, in the same way that parents build and create their own children.
Later that night, I was on Facebook and saw a sponsered ad. Usually I just scroll past them, but this one stuck out to me. It was for a group called, “Alive and Free”. The ad talked about attracting unhealthy people into your life and healing your heart emotionally. I remeber reading about the group and feeling like it was talking right to me. I decided to check out their website. I signed up for their free one hour seminar, “How to heal Shame, Pain, and Insecurities at their Root & Attract the Man you want”. https://aliveandfreeconsulting.com The free webinar was Monday May 20th. I sat in Panera for 2 hours until closing time at 10pm, then parked in front of Tim Hortons for almost another hour. I can’t even tell you fully what they said, but when Sammi and her husband Spencer, owner and co-owner of Alive & Free, spoke to our hearts and spoke over all of us in the webinar, I felt completely at peace. Despite sitting in my dark (but locked) SUV, eyes closed in front of Tim Hortons where people could see me. My next step was to set up a one on one call with Sammi to find out more information on their 9 week intense life coaching program, for thursday May 23rd.
On Thursday, I had an appointment to change my tires from snow tires over to regular tires. I dropped my car off, grabbed my laptop, and walked a mile to wegmans (only the best grocery store ever), so I could connect to their wifi to join the zoom call. I got to wegmans, set up everything, got something to eat, and nervously waited for 2pm to come. Sammi ends up messaging me that wifi was screwy on her end and we ended up having a regular phone call. So here I am in the wegmans cafe talking this to this woman that I have never met, only learning briefly about her within the last week and half, spilling my heart and praying that I am accepted into the program. Sammi tells me that she thinks I am a good fit and tells me about the program: what to expect and the cost. I tell her I have to figure out my money situation but I feel like this is where I need to be. We make a follow up call for the following tuesday the 28th.
In the previous few weeks, I had kept getting the same credit card offer, usually I just toss them, but that weekend, I got the 3rd or 4th offer for the same card. I felt drawn to look over the incentives like; no interest for 15 months, no annual fee, and a cash back incentive. I felt like this was a sign that I should apply for the card and see what happens. Maybe if I was approved, I could charge the amount of the program. Well I was instantly approved, the card be mailed to me in 7-10 business days. I explained this all to Sammi on the call and schdeuled another follow up for Tuesday June 4th. My card came that weekend, and I have officially signed up for 9 week Intensive Alive & Free group life coaching program!!!
It still amazes me because of one response from my cousin while in Florida and another response from a text, was what led me to this program, but has ultimately been the catalyst into this healing journey. So please join me while I embark on this intense but transforming journey <3