A really wise man once said, “You can’t have bad communication if you don’t communicate.” If you want healthy relationships, you need to be able to confront when needed and communicate well, clearly in love and respect, honoring both yourself and the other person.
Communication has never really came completely easy to me, especially in big groups or with unknown people. I have always been more of a listener and observer before I join in on a conversation. So one of my goals for this year was to join in on conversations more and speak up more. I think some progress has been made, there’s been some setbacks due to covid but I still am counting all the victories. Last summer, God made me a promise about my voice being powerful and I am holding onto that promise: living and believing it as 100% truth.
A few months ago, I had an unfortunate encounter with someone who I trusted. The details are not important, as it’s been forgiven, but some untrue and hurtful comments and judgments came to light, and I couldn’t just sit back in silence. I had left the conversation feeling powerless and taken aback. I spent a week away from all social media and prayed about how to handle this. I’ve loved writing since I was little, I could write out and express myself much better on paper than verbally. So I wrote a letter, respectful and reviewed by two separate people holding me to accountability. I knew this letter would officially put the end to a friendship along with the end to something I had been wanting so badly, but I needed to respect myself, stand up for myself, take back my strength. And as bad as that hurt and still hurts, I know God has so much more planned for me.
A week later, I began this week of the Alive and Free Program. One of the biggest takeaways I got was actually from a shorter precursor “lesson” to confrontation and communication on vulnerability: ***Q: How to be vulnerable when getting to know someone while also protecting yourself? ***A: Throw out mini struggles when appropriate, allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to get either a “paper cut” or a “hug”, do not put so much out there that you leave or end up with a gaping “wound” if someone hurts you or is not receptive to your vulnerability.
Another great lesson learned is that there are 4 main types of communication:
1. Passive: Those communicating this way say “Everyone elses needs matter, mine do not, but I secretly wish people could read my mind and take care of those needs.” ***Root Fear: Own needs are a burden and others can’t handle those needs
2. Passive-Aggressive: Those who use this communication look and sound nice, but behind your back are keying your car. ***Root Fear: Afraid of rejection and abandonment
3. Aggressive: Those who communicate this way need to scream their needs at others because they feel no one is taking care of them. ***Root Fear: Feelings of powerlessness or need to yell to be heard
4. Assertive: Healthiest form of communication: Both parts are mutually respected, no ones needs will be neglected, both parties needs are heard and feelings of disrespect can be openly heard and talked about.
The HOMEWORK for this session was to answer these 4 questions: 1. Who are the people that I have hurt? 2. What are the messes that I have made? 3. Where have I fallen short? 4. Who do I need to forgive and/or confront/have a conversation with?
Self reflection can be scary and a “hard pill to swallow” but I believe its necessary in order to learn and grow. And then sometimes you realize or feel lead to forgive or have a difficult conversation with someone. But I am telling you that while it may seem impossible, it’s worth it and you will be glad that you did (even if its not right afterwards, in time you will).
As always I would like to end on lighter note: So I want to share my favorite joke I have always remembered from when I was a kid on my Popsicle stick: “What did the lawyer name her daughter?” Answer below:
SUE